Monday, December 31, 2007

The 12 days of Chavmas

911 Call

I've been looking for this one for ages.

A belated Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year to you all.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Hampshire Police Bus Advert


Is this the latest body armour improvement?

Monday, October 15, 2007

Action for fair pay. Lobby your local MP.

A colleague of mine sent this to me today.
Seeing as how we aren't allowed to strike for fair pay the please send this to every police officer and like minded people that you know.
In fact..............please publish it on your own blogs if you agree and think it may do some good.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

G Class 5/90. Purple Intake

Memory lane.

Anybody out there recognise anyone?

I wish I was still in the same shape.

Back row....left to right....first names only.

Terry, George, Phil, Dave, Paul.

Middle row.

Jane, John, Neil, Tom, Simon, Jenny.

Front row.

Fran, Sgt Mark Adams, can't remember, god knows, PC Eric Bailey, Maureen, Louise.


Terry. Top bloke from Romford. Wife makes a lovely chilli. Voted most handsome male in class by the ladies.

George. Sadly, the only one I'm still in touch with. Diamond bloke.

Phil. Funniest guy in class. Always clowning around. Damn near got me kicked out after dragging Jenny into the blokes changing rooms at swimming only to find the School Chief Supt stood in his towel.

Dave. From Bristol. Liked keerbaarbs. Never should've let John cut yor hair bud.

Paul. Good man. Strong as an ox. Did good impershonation of Shaun Connery as Bond.

Jane. Lovely lass.

John. Baby of the class. From Plymouth.

Neil. Posh lad. Nice bloke. Good cook. Invited the whole class to his home in Enfield and cooked us all a meal. Had a police teddy bear which got kidnapped and held to ransom. He had to parade outside the peel statue with one trouser leg rolled up holding a bog brush to get it back.

Tom. Always messing around in class. Got us all doing a mexican wave with our name tag boards affixed to thedesks while some boring old chap tried to teach us what to do in the event of a nuclear war.
Managed to fit cheesy bells, fishy smells into a question he asked him.

Simon. The mild mannered man. His ex flat mate was Mark Limahl, lead singer of Kajagoogoo.

Jenny. Lovely friendly Welsh lass. Sorry about the changing room incident.

Fran. Ahhh......Wee Fran. From the Highlands of Scotland. I'll never forget the day we were on parade and as we made to march off one of her suspenders went and her stocking rolled down as we plodded along. Now that was funny....
Transferred to North Yorks police.

Sgt Adams. Born again god squadder.

PC Bailey. The original old sweat.

Maureen. Was class Captain for a while until we had a revolution and got moved classes. Uni graduate. Very friendly when on the sauce......

Lou. Quiet as a mouse. Got top student award for having to try so hard.

If it jogs anyones memory can anyone recall our class motto......?

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Farewell PC Copperfield.

So........Now we know.

Watched the show. The truth was spoken. Will anything change?

I doubt it.

I'm green with envy as to where he's heading.

Enjoy yourself DC.

Take care and watch out for bears.

You might be a Copper if......

Another classic I wish I'd penned myself.

You might be a copper if...

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever restrained someone and it wasn't a sexual experience.

You believe that 75% of people are a waste of space. (Only 75%?)

Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.

You call for a name check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you.

Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you.

You find humour in other peoples stupidity.

You have your weekends off planned for a year.

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "God its quiet today."

Whenever you phone someone, you ask them "Are you free to speak."

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track.

You're the only sober person in the kebab house.

You believe chocolate is a food group.

Having alcohol at 7am seems perfectly normal.

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called "Suicide, getting it right the First time."

You believe "Too stupid to live" should be a valid court outcome.

When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to a food group.

You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

Your prisoner states "I have no idead how I got here" - and neither have you.

You end normal conversations with Roger or Acknowledged.

You believe the carpet bombing of certain areas of your beat is a viable alternative to policing.

You believe that some crimes can be sorted out with a damned good kicking.

Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

You are the only person who ever uses the word 'liaise.'

Your partner tells you off for walking with your hands behind your back.

At lease once every working day you use the phrase, "The Job's f*cked."

You regularly say "With all due respect Sir" but mean nothing of the sort.

You have a nose finely tuned to the smells of cannabis, decomposition and stale body odour.

You think Thursday is the best night to go into town for a drink with your mates.

You nodded and laughed at all of the above and realised what a sick bunch we all are.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Being a Police Officer in the UK.

This was sent to me by a friend and colleague and had me in stitches so I thought I'd share it.


How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?


Consider the following scenario:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?Should I call 999?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?




(Sounds of reloading)
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Smoke and mirrors

Yet another example of the brass spouting about reducing crime.
Hundreds of new bobbies my arse.
Neighbourhood Policing Teams or NPT's as they are known were already there. They were called Community Policing Teams (CPT's). There aren't hundreds of em either. The majority of areas have one bobby and one or more PCSO's.
I suppose from a distance they look like bobbies!
They spent a fortune hiring a bloody footy stadium to publicise the farce and have given out numbers to call to "speak direct to your local bobby."
In reality Joe P gets the highly trained call handlers (yeah right!) who haven't got a clue who the local bobby is or how to reach him.
Good thinking with that one. Switchboard is now jammed solid.
If only the public knew the chances of actually getting to see a police officer in person are close to zero. A real PC has become a rare sight.
The large majority of calls that come into a control room are complaints about disorder. Groups of up to fifty youths drinking, fighting, riding motorbikes and causing damage.
What do we do with em?
Pass them on to the council street wardens!
What the hell do they expect a couple of civvies in yellow coats to do with em apart from become a target?
The day is fast approaching when the police will cease to exist and we'll just have different politically correct inept civilian groups in its place.
Don't agree? Here's some examples for you from what I've seen in 17 years.
Traffic cops.
Reduced in numbers and replaced by cameras and the shiny new highways agency. I like the words of Jeremy Clarkson. "The Yorkshire Ripper wasn't caught by a speed camera. It was a routine traffic stop."
Bobbies in various departments :-
Control room. Replaced by civvies.
Custody. Now virtually all civvies except for Sgt and he's going soon.
Frontline. Numbers drastically cut by Street Wardens and PCSO's.
Station Officer. Replaced by civvies including a completely civvy outfit for property called Reliance.
Parking offences. Powers removed from police to local councils.
Prisoner transport. From police to Securicor.
Pretty soon we'll be getting auctioned at Sotheby's with the rest of the antiques of bygone days.

Monday, July 09, 2007

The Twat in the hat. Part 2.

Sitting at home, I'm all full of glee.
The reason? To Ibiza go my family and me.
Two weeks of fun in the sun is the aim,
To forget about work, yes I know. Its a pain.

But what has become of the Twat in the hat?
And Dick 1 and Dick 2, those 3 scheming rats.
The Twat? He's promoted. Yes he has moved on.
Dick 1? Yes the same. She too has now gone.

Poor old Dick 2. He can't take any more.
He's put in a transfer to walk out the door.
Franky is still there. He's been wise to their tricks.
They couldn't outwit him. Those three sad, sad twits.

So that's it for 2 weeks, alas I must go,
Though knowing my luck it'll probably snow!
Till then, my pen, in my suitcase its packed.
Till the end of July. Adios. Senor Fact.

Friday, June 15, 2007

I should've been a scuzzer!

My world has gone mad again!
Just to cap off a really shite few months the following happens.
My 17 yr old son has just lost his job and has been told he can't have any benefits as he's too young and lives in a nice area with parents who work!
If you've got a criminal record or you take drugs then you qualify!
I need a break says I so I decide to book a family holiday abroad that includes the last 8 days of my 10 yr old sons school term, you know, when all the teachers are in wind down mode and all you do at school is play.
The headmistress has told my wife who works at the school during lunch times that a letter is being sent to the educational social worker!!!
Oh yeah.
My Mrs.
She's been told that she has to choose between the holiday and her job!!
What the hell is it that we're all working for?
I wonder if I should bring a suitcase stuffed with fags back and open a dodgy shop?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

From Joe 90's blog. A fine tribute.

'And I never passed a cry for help,
though at times I shook with fear,
and sometimes, God, forgive me,
i've wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place
among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
except to calm their fear.'
'There was silence all around the throne
where saints had often trod,
as the policeman waited quietly,
for the judgement of his God,
"Step forward now Policeman.
You've bourne your burdens well.
Come walk a beat on heaven's streets,
you've done your time in hell.'

An amusing tale.

Apologies for not posting for a while. Things have been.......emotional.

A friend sent me this today so I thought I'd share it.

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense solicitor during a trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer, who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

A law abiding organisation?

A friend of mine brought this to my attention today.

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics?

29 have been accused of spouse abuse.

7 have been arrested for fraud.

19 have been accused of writing bad cheques.

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses.

3 have done time for assault.

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit.

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges.

8 have been arrested for shoplifting.

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits.

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the Houses of Parliament. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line!

No wonder that the system seems to favour the bad guys is it?

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Lets not allow another good cop to fall on his sword!

This one's got me seething mad.
Another good man is punished for having the metal to stand up and tell the truth.
I've spoken via email to Johnno and he's told me that he's resigned and effective midnight this coming Saturday he's a civvie again. He said he's jumped before he was pushed.
Personally, I think he should have stayed.
I mean, whats he done wrong.
I know he's stepped out from cover and into the open. I wouldn't , but he has and bravo to him.
But, aside from that, on what grounds has he been suspended from duty?
I've read his article in the Express. As far as I can see he is in the clear. He has merely spoken out about our working practices. He has not confessed to any criminal acts.
Is it supposed to be a big secret that must be kept from the public?
All he has done is legitimately exercised his right of freedom of speech. I think his employers would be on a hiding to nothing if they tried to say he had brought the police service into disrepute.
This message should get out. Christ, we take the flak everyday from frustrated members of the public who want to know why we aren't there when they need us.
For GODS sake, I hope someone from our mighty protective shield that is the Federation reads this turns their attention away from planning the yearly drinking session that is the conference and gets this man the support that he needs.
His employers need taking on. You've come out into the open Johnno. You've got nothing left to lose. Stand your ground and fight them. I honestly believe that you would win. It could be a landmark case mate. We don't have to accept their findings of an internal discipline panel. Like I said in my email to you, you can take it outside to a panel of people outside the job. I believe that any reasonable person not connected with the job would agree that you have done nothing wrong.
I hope you do mate. If you walk away then they win and you will have done it all for nothing.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Its Playtime.

Found this great clip over on Charlie Lima's site.
It reminded me of the days out on patrol when occasionally, if it was quiet, and no one was about, the big kid that lurks inside of me would come out.
One foggy night me and my mate were at an alarm on an industrial estate awaiting the arrival of the keyholder. Premises looked to be secure. We checked around it with our maglites and I noticed the beam and how it looked in the fog.
Its not a torch! ITS A LIGHT SABRE!!
"What are you doing?" asks John (not his real name).
"I sense a great disturbance in the force." says I.
"You're disturbed." He says.
Then he draws his lite sabre and off we duel, sound effects and all, until we see the deathstar approaching and the keyholder arrives.
Different night, different industrial estate, same duo. John's driving slowly, I'm trying hard not to nod off when there they are in the headlights.

(WARNING! Those pink and fluffy in nature may wish to change blogs at this point.)

Drawing my trusty staff and winding down the passenger window I lean out.
"What are you up to?" asks John.
"Try and get one of those wabbits alongside will you. Its time to play Bunny Hockey".
Several runs and endless swings but those furry rodents refused to play along. I thought afterwards maybe it should have been more accurate to call it Bunny Polo, but its my game so Bunny Hockey stuck. Not that it mattered coz I never got one anyway.

(Please note. No Wabbits were harmed during the events on which this blog is based. Not for the want of trying though.)

I remember working one night as passenger in the van about 11 years ago. We pulled up alongside a panda. The bloke driving it really fancied himself. I loved to wind him up on account of him being a geezer from dahn sahf. He opened his door and sat there as we chatted. I then produced a can of silly string and covered him from head to foot as he tried to get at me, forgetting that he was wearing a seat belt so he just rocked back and forth. Oh the joy.

I heard tell in days gone by of a game that used to entail seeing who could get a stamp in their book from the furthest away station from your own but I've never done it myself.

Anybody got any interesting examples? Not that it goes on nowadays of course?

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

First Day

My online mate TUPC has been writing some powerful stuff recently on the things we deal with in the line of duty, as has Big Fella. They got me thinking way back to my first ever shift as an operational police constable back in 1990.

I’d done 20 weeks training at Hendon followed by 10 weeks street duties in an East London nick learning important stuff like how to deal with out of date tax discs and parking tickets. The time had now come to start work with C relief.

My first shift was nights. I turned up early for my 2200hrs start because as I was the new proby I had to make the tea for the relief until someone newer came along. Rightly so in my opinion.

After parading on I was doubled up with an experienced officer who I shall call PC Mick Berry, coz that’s his name. The rest of the relief all called him syrup on account of his full head of hair looked like it was a wig. I couldn’t see it myself but I wasn’t going to question their judgement, being all shiny and new.

Off we went into the night in our high powered 1 litre metro. He showed me the real important stuff like tea spots and good kebab shops as nothing much was happening.

Just after midnight we were driving around when I spotted a car coming towards us turn off sharpish without signalling. I told Mick and we went after it. Our car didn’t have a siren and the blue light would only work if the handbrake was on so Mick was sounding the horn and flashing the headlights at the car in front.

It took off like a bat out of hell. I could see 2 girls in the rear that did not look happy that the driver was failing to stop. Mick told me to put the shout on the radio which I did. The bandit car was leaving us behind going over the brow of a hill. We were both cursing our cars lack of power when just before getting to the top of the hill there was an almighty crash.

The sight that met us when we came over the top was awful. The bandit car had gone through a red light and hit a car that was crossing its path. The car struck had been slammed sideways into a lamp post and almost bent around it. The driver was trapped in the mangled wreckage and was screaming for help. The bandit car had spun around and the girl passengers had been flung from the rear door and were laid in the road in a bad way. The driver of the bandit car had gone straight through the windscreen and into some railings. We couldn’t do anything at that point for the trapped driver other than call for help which we’d done. Mick went to check on the girls and I went to the driver of the bandit car. His mouth had pink frothy saliva coming out. He died in front of me. There was nothing I could do for him. He had too many injuries.

The Inspector turned up as I was still kneeling by his body and told me to go and direct traffic. He told me I shouldn’t have to deal with this on my first day. The girls died too. The other driver was cut free. I don’t know what happened to him.

I can’t remember the rest of the shift.

It was one hell of a first day.

I’ve never had nightmares about it thankfully. I have over other stuff. Another time.

He fought the law and the law lost.

Way back in 1994 when I was a village bobby in a beautiful part of the country where god lives I was on patrol one summers eve, alone, 27.3 miles from my divisional HQ and 12 miles from nearest back up when I received a call of youths drinking in the village square causing a bit of a nuisance.

I duly attended and saw 2 lads, 1 known to me, the other not, with a few bottles of their favorite tipple.

I went over and engaged them in chat about taking it somewhere private when a third youth introduces himself to me by drop kicking the side of my head.

My trusty kwik kuffs exploded from their holster into a nearby garden which was nice.

I wrestled with my new friend and got to my feet.

The unknown of the 2 now decides he wants to play as well, so he picks up a bottle and smashes it, brandishing the broken bottle as he approaches explaining his new found interest in facial surgery.

I decide that my wrestling partner who is now trying to bite me would be better off on the floor with my knee on his back which is where he is placed.

I am then able to draw my trusty wooden peg which I point towards the approaching amateur surgeon and I shout to him that he should back the f... off or I will first render his friend incapable of harming me and then turn my attentions to him.

He is somewhat upset by my manner of restraining his tag team partner and my aggression towards him so he stops his advance but continues explaining his hobby and the need to demonstrate it on me.

I try an assistance shout but the wonderful rolling hills and peaks will not allow my request.

Unknown starts edging closer and I'm seriously considering having to knock my wrestling partner on the head when 2 large chaps from a nearby watering hole come out to investigate the noise.

Fortunately for me they are locals and ask would I like some help.


It’s now a triple tag team against a double even though they are cheating by using weapons.

This becomes a stand off.

A passing youth is ordered by me to dial 999 which he does despite threats from unknown.

20 minutes pass by before a bobby arrives from ANOTHER force area. Along with my 2 assistants he takes on the bottle holder and overpowers him but gets kicked in the nuts and face in doing so.

A short while later a lock up van arrives from my force and the duo are taken away.

It’s at this point that the adrenaline wears off and I am introduced to the pain from the drop kick and subsequent collision with the wall. After doing a statement I'm off home to lick my wounds.

Time passes and I'm awaiting the court appearance which never comes.

The drop kicker mind you has taken to walking by my house everyday, staring in.

Eventually I ring the CPS to find out what’s happening.

The bottle chap jumped bail and is wanted for failing to appear.

My attacker?

Oh, he'd done a GBH on another guy in another village a few days before assaulting me so the CPS did a deal with his defense.

He pleads guilty to the GBH and they drop my charge!

I was furious. What kind of message was this to my assailant? It’s fine. Go ahead and attack the police.

I let the CPS know in a heated conversation that I, the victim, was not even informed.

They duly complained and my Chief Super had a right go at ME!

I was really disillusioned with the job at this point.

At the same time Eric Cantona was in the news for having a pop at a footy fan and he had been referred to the CPS for common assault!

Charles Pollard and Paul Condon had both made comments recently about loss of faith in the criminal justice system so I wrote and signed a letter to Police Review explaining what had happened to me and how I too had lost faith.

That was published as the lead letter.

A few days later I received a phone call from a woman’s magazine (shut up!) expressing their interest in speaking to me about the incident.

I tried to call my Chief Super but he was hobnobbing it at Bramshill so I sought advice from the press liaison office who couldn't see a problem.

So next day a reporter turns up, takes a few pics of where the assault happened and they do a story.

No fee I might add. I was just interested in letting people know what had happened. Stupid boy.

They left and the phone rings.

It’s the Daily Mail this time. I've already spoken to this mag I said. Did you sign anything they asked? No says I.

Next day they turn up. More pics. Another story.

A few weeks pass by and I'm in the station when in bursts my Chief Super. He's well pissed. He's waving a copy of the Mail and ranting about how the Chief Constable has been on the phone not at all happy.

He then explains to me that the first mistake I make he's going to bounce me around the 4 corners of the force area (it’s big) meaning I'd get moved.

So I left of my own accord and transferred to another force.

Now you tell me. Did my attacker fight the law and win?

I think he did.

I know I lost out all round.

Thursday, March 01, 2007


Currently doing a spot of law refresher training.
Sec 24 and 25 P.A.C.E 1984 arrest powers have been repealed apparently. Nice to be kept up to date.
I usually fall into a trance like state at these things but I was absolutely amazed at the amendments to the Road Traffic Act 1988.
Sec 165A & B of R.T.A. 1988. gives a constable in uniform the power to seize a vehicle been driven by Chavboy if he has no license or insurance!
Grinned like a cheshire cat I did.
Oh what joyous fun shall be had on the streets of Scumshire.
HALLELULLAH. A ray of hope has shone through the clouds of despair.
Cart off said crying chavs car to storage and if he don't claim it in 14 days by producing a person with a full license and insurance certificate to drive THAT car, no 3rd party basis, then off it goes to the scrapyard or to be sold.
HA Ha ha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah.
Apparently after the recovery agent has recouped his costs from the scrap or sale then any cash left over is back to the force budget.
Dah da da da dah. A'hm loving it.
AND! if a car makes off from you, failing to stop, you can seize it if its found within 24hrs.
Our law trainer is on a roll by now and narrates a Road Wars type thing where Kent police lost a Mitsubishi Evo after it failed to stop but came upon it a short while later on the driveway of house.
Chav exits car and goes inside house.
Cops get on the radio and ask for a removals unit.
Chav comes out 5 mins later. "Wot you doin?"
Cop says "Seizing that car."
Chav says "You can't do that!" and goes back inside.
Few mins later and chav 2 comes out of nearby address. "Thats my car innit. I just bought it off him like."
Cop says "License and insurance for it have we?"
Silence. Chav 2 retreats.
Chav 1 then comes out with a kitchen knife and starts slashing at the Evo's tyres. Obviously thinking the cops won't be able to drive it away.
Removals unit the arrives and drags Evo onto rear of flatbed and dumbstruck Chav is nicked for possession of an offensive weapon by smirking cops.
Oh the joy.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Zer vill be no LAUGHING!!!!!

Subject: Das Computer Message System

Vile carrying out ein grossen sneaky review of ze content/use of ze Computer Messaging System, Ve haf noticed zat all troopers in ze Control Room are beginning to use ze system for chit chat again.
Dis vill not be tolerated! Der vill be no laughing!!!
Ein memo haf been sent to all Ober Leutnants to review der units.
Dis matter vas also raised in ze Team Brief from der Fuhrer Twat dis month.
Ve haf carried out ein more detailed check of all messages from our staff.
Nein issues ver highlighted for der Goody Svie Shoes Section B.
BUT!! Zer haf been ein increase in chit chat for der Dumpkoffs in Section A.
Be aver das system is vor Verk matters only und use vor personal messages between troopers VILL BE PUNISHED!!!

Ve vill be votching.
Gruppen Kaptain Dicks Ein und Swie.
Das Quality und Compliance Team
Communications Centre Reichstag.
Scumshire Police Headquarters

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Panda's parking makes the papers.

I can just picture the rubber heelers getting themselves all excited at the chance to ruin some poor bobbies day.
The poor sod will end up fined and disciplined.
I know the town where this happened. The officers are ran off their feet 24/7 so much that the public have to make an appointment to see an officer at the main station to report whatever crime they have fallen victim to.
This officer had more than likely missed their refs and was probably grabbing a bite between jobs.
As for Mr Mallon. Its not so long ago that he had his car clamped about 100 yards away from where this police car was parked while he was on mayoral business and he raised bloody hell. The clamp was hastily removed. He loves to jump on the bandwagon when its anything to do with his former employers.
Whoever you are, I'm sure that you had police business. A follow up enquiry, returning cctv to one of the stores, getting a statement, returning property or maybe you had just caught sight of someone who was wanted and you had went after them but lost them in the crowd and on your way back to your car you passed the sausage roll shop and decided to have a bite on the hoof thereby serving the public by remaining out and about.
Police have always had dispensation for parking when on police business. If this is now changed imagine the amount of time it will take to correctly park before going to see a victim or carrying out enquiries? The existing backlog will multiply to an unmanageable level. Is that really what the public wants?

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Performance Development Day.

Does anybody else out there get these PDD things?
Attendance is "Entirely voluntary" on your rest day but you get a day on your card. Wow, thanks sarge.
I HAD to attend one recently and I was praying that it was going to be at least mildly interesting as I suffer terribly from CTS. Classroom Tiredness Syndrome. I'll never forget first aid training lecture at Hendon. My eyes were drooping, my head nodding and for a second I'd gone. Only to open my eyes to see staff standing in front of me. "Am I boring you Fact?" A week of late parades for that.
I was relieved to find that they'd done away with sitting around in a circle tossing a frickin ball to each other and telling everyone who we are.
After tea and insults about peoples choice of attire we trooped into the lecture hall. I made a beeline straight for the back so I could use the wall as a headrest.
Then it started.
Chief Inspector "Thankyou all for coming on your day off........blah..........waffle.........breaktimes with free tea and bickies........blah........flannel.......then its free lunch with cakes."
CAKES! Briefly got my attention there.
Chief Inspector "boring after lunch schedule explained ..... and now I'll hand you over to our very own ACPO Rep."
Thats it. I'm already flagging big time. My mate next to me keeps giving me a dig. Big Fella a few places away from me is comatose.
After that its a fascinating lecture on NSIR and NCIS and some other initials. They must be on red bull.
To summarise the day.
Cakes were great.
Senior management were as boring as expected.
NSIR bloke needs to be shot.
Major incident D's were hung over.
Special branch were secretive.
PCSO's convinced me that they are in fact frickin useless.
The only thing that kept my attention was traffic and thats because the Inspector giving the lecture turned it into road wars.
Apparently they'd had loads of positive feedback from the last day. We all filled in sheets saying it was utter shite. Apart from road wars and having to go back and wake big fella to tell him it was home time.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Hail to the Chief.

Della the fella has hung up her hat.
No longer she'll deal with crime and all that.
She is giving up her job in the ivory tower.
The free car, and the office with its en suite shower.

The search now begins for the NYPD.
Who'll take over from Della? We'll just wait and see.
Whoever they choose, would be I suppose,
Someone of great stature to fit in those clothes.

She'll take off her uniform for the last time.
No more getting stopped while buying some wine.
At her leaving party, she'll lift up her glass.
"Goodbye, its been fun. Now kiss my fat ass."

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

More controversy over race.

It seems that freedom of speech is alive and well in the commonwealth.
I just love it that someone will actually stand up and say something that I for one agree with. No name calling or discrimination. Just a plain old "This is our land and these are our rules. You are all more than welcome providing you conform to them"

I see the lunacy is there also (see the bit about the judge and the christmas tree).

The person that made the remarks has already been accused of wait for've got it! A racist.

Tosh!! I bet if he went to somewhere like Saudi or Afghanistan and tried shouting from the roof tops "I'm a christian la la la, I don't like your culture." he wouldn't last 10 seconds before he was either beaten to death by a mob or arrested and beaten to death by the state.

Any comments?

The New Fraud Act.

A more apt title would have been "How the home office is acting fraudulently."
Here are a few gems of guidance on this wonderful new piece of legislation.

Q: What has changed in relation to police recording plastic card and cheque fraud?

A: There are two major changes, the first is the introduction of a new category of ‘economic crime’ and the second is to make the financial institutions the first point of contact for account holders when dealing with these fraud offences.

Q: What does an ‘economic crime’ mean then?

(Look into my eyes.)

A: Previously if a person had their credit card stolen and it was subsequently used on 10 separate occasions to buy goods fraudulently from 10 different shops there would be a requirement for 1 crime record for theft and 10 for deception. Under the ‘economic crime’ category there is only a requirement for 1 theft and 1 fraud by false representation.

The principle is based on the number of separate accounts that have been defrauded as opposed to the number of individual transactions on each account.

Q: So if a member of the public comes into the police station and tells me that their credit card has been stolen and used on 10 different occasions what should I do?

(You are feeling sleepy...)

A: Record a crime for theft of the card and a Crime Related Incident for the economic crime. The member of the public should be instructed to inform their financial institution about the fraudulent uses of the credit card. The financial institution can then report the economic crime direct to the Police via a central recording point in each force if they wish to. They will supply further details such as a schedule of usage that is necessary to prosecute such offences.

Q: What about a member of the public who comes into the police station and tells me that they believe their credit card has been compromised/cloned and then has a number of unlawful transactions made on it?

(You will use the force mind control on Joe P. You have not been a victim of crime. wave your hand at the same time)

A: Record a Crime Related Incident. The member of the public should be instructed to inform their financial institution about the fraudulent uses of the credit card. The financial institution can then report the economic crime direct to the Police via a central recording point in each force if they wish to. They will supply further details such as a schedule of usage that is necessary to prosecute such offences.

Q: So the Financial Institutions could send every single economic crime to the single point of contact and overwhelm us?

(No stupid. They're in league with us and shall receive knighthoods for massaging the figures.)

A: At the moment the institutions could give the Police every fraudulent transaction that occurs on every plastic card to record as a deception. They choose not to do this as there is recognition that Police do not have resources to record or investigate each individual instance.

Q: Will the institutions be expecting that each economic crime they report to Police will be investigated?

(I refer the right honourable gentleman to the reply I made to his earlier question.)

A: No guarantees have been given that each crime will be investigated, although they must be recorded. The more information the institution is able to give the Police to lead them to the identification, apprehension and prosecution of offenders, the more likelihood there will be for the Police Service to investigate these crimes.

Q: Surely this is just a manipulation of the figures for fraud?

(Why isn't this mind control working on Fact?)

A: This economic crime category was originally suggested by ACPO in 2004, although it was felt prudent to dovetail the proposals with the introduction of the new fraud act, which is what we have done. The Home Office will be using figures from the Association of Payment Clearing Services (APACS UK Payments Associations) on plastic card fraud to better represent the overall figures for plastic fraud crime, in the recorded crime figures. (Did anyone understand this answer???)

Watch this space. This time next year the home office will be crowing about how they have slashed fraud offences. No, really.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Time for a change? Not again!

How much of it have you seen since you joined the job?
I've lost count of how many times some idiot comes up with "a better, more effective way for the police FORCE to be run."
Yet each time I've found it has taken us further and further away from good practice and common sense.
Sector Policing. Problem Orientated Policing. Community Policing. Response Policing. Geographical Policing. Eight Areas. Numbered Divisions. Alphabetical Divisions. Local Control Rooms. Centralised Communications.
These are among the many different names and practices that have been brought about during my service so far.
I was talking to a former probationer the other day who has resigned after just over a years service. He told me that probys have to evidence 1800 incidents during their 2 years. Each time they have to sit down and discuss the incident with their tutor constable which takes approximately an hour each time.
Thats 75 days. Worse, its only 75 days if you divide the 1800hrs by 24hrs.
On average you are at work for 8hrs per working day. So, 1800hrs divided by 8hrs equals 225 working days!
Somebody please tell me this is wrong. He must be mistaken.
Also he said that they have to give the member of the public they are dealing with a questionaire to complete on how the member of the public feels he or she was dealt with by said proby!
If this is true then it explains the large amount of probationers that are leaving the job before their probation is half over.
Whatever happened to the simple record of work book that was used when I was a proby in which you just recorded the cus ref no's. of your arrests or the ref no's. from the tickets you gave out?
We have already changed so much that the shite are no longer afraid of being caught. They just laugh at us now and call PCSO's plastic twats. The boundaries are being pushed further back each time these changes are forced upon us. We are constantly retreating and redrawing the line that the shite are more and more willing to cross because they've seen how timid and ineffective we have become in dealing with them.
I grew up on a rough council estate but we still had respect for the police. I drove through it the other day. Christ its a nightmare. I locked the car doors.
How far back can we go before before the balance tips and it becomes impossible to come back from the abyss that is anarchy? It already has tipped in certain areas up and down the country and is spreading.
We'll end up living in walled estates with a state of martial law in effect.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Black In Blue's raid on the Big Brother House.

Knowing my luck I'd lock up Jade Goody.
Thats one Essex girl that don't give me woody.
PC Twining the swine, he'd nab Shilpa Shetty.
He likes her thinks I, he's gettin all sweaty.

PC Peeler the nutter, he'd lock up Jade's mum.
With her sexual preference, he'll have a sore bum.
PC Bloggs will nab Ian, she'll cart him away.
But she's fresh outta luck, cos he is quite Gay.

Gadget our guv'nor, Jo's collar he'll feel.
He'd like something else, but he's keeping it real.
Bob Slot has his cuffs, which he clamps on Danielle.
She shouts "Its the bizzies, oh shit! Fuckin ell!"

As for TUPC, he's stuck in the nick.
Transferred back to custody, boy, is he bloody sick!
Cleo, Dirk and the rest, they're all hiding inside.
Who shall we arrest next? Its your choice. YOU decide!

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Rat and the Pencil.

No, its not a weird pub where sneaky rodent featured Bobbies hang out.
Its a story told to me years ago while young in service.
Police Constable from a road traffic motor cycle department is giving evidence at court in a reckless driving case.
PC " I followed the defendant for several miles your worship. He was riding a high powered motor cycle along a single carriageway road which is divided into two lanes, one in each direction, by continous unbroken double white lines. The defendant refused to stop and in fact drove at speed exceeding the limit for the road, overtaking slower moving vehicles and by doing so contravened the double white lines on several occasions. When he eventually stopped he denied both that he was in fact speeding and also that he had contravened the double white lines. He was therefore reported for the offences."
Defence Brief. " What speed exactly is it that you say my client was doing officer?"
PC. " I cannot say exactly your worship as the speedometer on my motorcycle had broken and I was in the process of returning it to the garage when I spotted the defendant."
DB. " So you cannot say with any accuracy that he was in fact speeding, can you officer?"
PC. " Your worship, I have been a traffic officer for more than 10 years and during that time I have been caused to exceed the speed limit numerous times while driving a variety of police vehicles. Because of this experience I would estimate that the defendant was doing between 80 and 90 mph in a 60 mph limit."
DB. " So you consider yourself a good judge of speed because of this experience do you officer?"
PC. " I do your worship."
DB. Picks up a pencil from his desk and throws it across the courtroom." How fast would you say that pencil was going then officer?"
PC. Deadpan. " I couldn't say your worship. I've never ridden a pencil before."

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The Twat in the Hat. As inspired by the great Grannys.Myth.Peeler

Sitting at home, I'm feeling quite low,
The reason? Tomorrow to work I must go.
There in my chair I shall sit and review,
The masses and masses of jobs on my queue.

As I sit there, sorting tit out from tat,
I see him approaching, the Twat in the hat!
Oh no! He will meddle. He'll turn things to poo.
Assisted of course by Dick 1 and Dick 2!

Around PC Fact, the three of them prey,
Checking up on what he's doing today.
To pick him to pieces, to pull him to bits.
But he knows of their scheming, those trio of shits!

Defeated for now, the Twat skulks along.
To sit in his office, the sad fucking mong.
I'm sure you've all have them, Bosses that talk tat.
A Dick 1, a Dick 2, and a Twat in a hat.

Lets all keep on hoping, Please God, not in vain.
That Dick 1 and Dick 2 and the Twat all get slain.
And so on that nice thought, to your views I'll react.
To all of you bloggers, Nuff respect, Franky Fact!!

Bum Shiners.

I have to admit it, I am a Bum Shiner.
Not by choice mind you but by virtue that I am incapable of front line duties anymore because of medical reasons that I won't go into as it may reveal my true identity.
Do I miss the streets?
Yes, and also no.
Yes, I miss the adrenalin rush of the chase. The camaraderie.
No, I don't miss the same shit, different day jobs I used to get sent to. I used to wonder when attending such jobs, why am I here dealing with this? Are our call takers just mindless robots that create an incident from every call that comes in?
I used to hear "Its really stressful in control room." To be honest I thought "Bollocks."
Now, having had the experience of both sides of the coin, do you know what?
It is bollocks!
I'll concede that it can be tense when a big jobs on the go but trust me, the sharp end is beyond the comprehension of many that have never set foot beyond control.
I deal with a lot of the SSDD jobs that I used to on the streets from the safety of my padded chair, taking some comfort that if I'm doing this via the phone then at least it ain't goin down to the troops.
The thing that stresses dispatchers out? The amount of jobs on their screen. How many can they allocate to the troops so that it shrinks and they can read their paper. All because they are mindful of their performance figures. If its busy then so be it. Deal with it. Getting in a tizz, or worse, cursing PC Bloggs (no not you Bloggs) for being out of service on paperwork is not the answer.
To my fellow bloggers that do me the honour of reading my tripe, I salute those of you that are still out there battling. I've been there and unlike some others in the warm, air conditioned comfort that is the control room, I haven't forgotten nor will I forget what its like out there and I'll do my best to wipe out some of the unbelievable crap that crosses my screens before it should ever reach you.
Pass me another cushion, my arse has gone to sleep.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Prison absconder numbers unknown

With a government as inept as this its no wonder we're in the state we are.
No central database?
It beggars belief.
Its almost as ludicrous as the different police forces of the UK all having different computer systems and not being able to share information due to incompatibility of software.
Not to mention the differing "policies" from one force to another.
I know of an occasion where force one was contacted via fax from force two requesting a task be carried out. When, after a reasonable time had elapsed, having received no response from force one, force two telephoned force one only to be informed "Sorry, its our force policy that we only accept emails now, not faxes."
It gets worse.
Force two, being a bit narked, emails force one requesting said task from fax be carried out.
Shortly after email is sent, the sender of the email is then told by control that said task no longer needs to be carried out so sender of said email then telephones force one to cancel request.
Do you know what they said?
Thats right! "Can you send us an email?"
After taking a deep breath sender of email told numpty from force one that it was his policy not to respond to stupid requests!
A large force in the middle of country that we shall call force three was contacted by force two asking for an offender to be arrested.
Three. "Sorry, he's not shown as wanted on PNC."
Two. "Yes, we know. PNC is down at Hendon. Has been for hours."
Three. "Sorry, its force policy that we won't respond to arrest requests if they are not circulated on PNC."
Two. "But like I've said, PNC is down and we have good info as to where this person is."
Three. "Sorry, force policy y'know."
Two. "So its a case of computer says no then. Cough."
You couldn't make it up.

Police Department Voice Mail

This is an old one but really funny.
I'd love this to be played to the public when they call the police.
I'm sure it would cut in half the amount of calls that actually get through.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year. An ode from Franky.

I hope in this New Year our spirits will soar
And our leaders at work will stop giving cause
For us to feel so low, that they try just a bit
To open their mouths, without talking such shit
I hope that my team can hold on to its staff
And stops losing good uns, no don't make me laugh
I hope I'll avoid another medical review
So my leaders at work, can all go and screw
Themselves up the arse and I hope that in FACT
At the end of 07 my careers still intact.

Happy New Year