Tuesday, September 18, 2007

You might be a Copper if......

Another classic I wish I'd penned myself.


You might be a copper if...


You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever restrained someone and it wasn't a sexual experience.

You believe that 75% of people are a waste of space. (Only 75%?)

Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.

You call for a name check on anyone who is remotely friendly to you.

Discussing dismemberment over dinner seems perfectly normal to you.

You find humour in other peoples stupidity.

You have your weekends off planned for a year.

You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "God its quiet today."

Whenever you phone someone, you ask them "Are you free to speak."

Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track.

You're the only sober person in the kebab house.

You believe chocolate is a food group.

Having alcohol at 7am seems perfectly normal.

You have ever wanted to hold a seminar called "Suicide, getting it right the First time."

You believe "Too stupid to live" should be a valid court outcome.

When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to a food group.

You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

Your prisoner states "I have no idead how I got here" - and neither have you.

You end normal conversations with Roger or Acknowledged.

You believe the carpet bombing of certain areas of your beat is a viable alternative to policing.

You believe that some crimes can be sorted out with a damned good kicking.

Your favourite hallucinogen is exhaustion.

You are the only person who ever uses the word 'liaise.'

Your partner tells you off for walking with your hands behind your back.

At lease once every working day you use the phrase, "The Job's f*cked."

You regularly say "With all due respect Sir" but mean nothing of the sort.

You have a nose finely tuned to the smells of cannabis, decomposition and stale body odour.

You think Thursday is the best night to go into town for a drink with your mates.

You nodded and laughed at all of the above and realised what a sick bunch we all are.

7 comments:

Area Trace No Search said...

All so true (sadly).

Although with one change - I have all my weekends off planned for a year... yet still manage to work half of them!

Anonymous said...

Oh mate I thought it was only me but you are a kindred spirit.

I was also proposing slight amendments in case disposals

Reprimand/first caution - a bloody good beating.

Final warning/second caution - another bloody good beating

1st charge - execution

(2 CHANCES NOT TO COMMIT CRIME IS ENOUGH, TOO MUCH EVEN SOME MIGHT SAY)

Big Fella in Blue said...

I think 3 strikes and you are no longer allowed to reproduce?? and you go to jail and be somebodys bitch??

Girl*Next*Door said...

Laughed at all of it, great! Except I've realised I'm maybe sicker than I originally thought!

Pensiontaker said...

Why does it still surprise Job supervisors that Xmas falls on December the 25th Every Year??

keep up the good work

ComedyPC said...

I laughed, laughed and laughed again. Now my stomach hurts!
It's so true! Being the only sober person in a kebab shop is not a good place to be! It's just asking for trouble!

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