Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Crime figures to rise!?! Surely you jest.

Apparently a leaked government report says that recorded crime is set to rise for the first time in ages.
I can't understand why they haven't just came up with another new way of recording crime to massage the figures again like they've always done in the past.
My force has a great way of reducing robberies. Victims are told " No... you haven't been robbed. What happened was you were assaulted and then a nanosecond later you had something stolen. "
The government strategy group that leaked this report goes on to say that the prison population is expected to increase by 20,000 and that the government should consider some radical measures to combat this such as :-
1. Rationing the amount of alcohol people can buy!
2. Prescribing heroin instead of methadone to addicts!
3. Chemical castration for sex offenders.
I can't help thinking that the author of that report has been taking away to a padded room for speaking some common sense. I wish I could get in on one of these groups as an official police adviser. ( Drifts into daydream mode to the sounded of doo doo doodoo type music )
Point 1 Minister. Definately, with the exception of serving police officers who like to partake of the odd snifter to unwind at the end of the day.
Point 2 my Lord. Excellent idea. Lets give them some really pure stuff and then the majority of them will overdose thereby reducing both the amount of offenders and crime. Plus there's the added benefit to the economy of increased business for undertakers and florists.
Point 3 El Presidente. Now your talking....but why just chemical castration? Lets go the whole hog and chop em off. And why stop at sex offenders? Burglars too. I hate them, and shoplifters and car thieves and muggers and.. and... and....yeah...druggies..oh I forgot, we're poisoning them aren't we?
Can I also suggest my leader, the reinstatement of corporal punishment? You know for minor offences like criminal damage, common assault, public order, being cheeky to police, having a tattoo, facial piercings, that type of thing.
Also to boost moral we get to administer it ourselves. We'd need a big room though so you could get a good run up before you swing.
While we're on a roll highness might I suggest more annual leave and higher wages? And mean looking black suped up patrol cars like the Yanks so we're faster than the enemy, sorry offenders. And badges, big shiny gold ones and bomber jackets with badges and Captains instead of Inspectors and Lootenants and Awwficers instead of being called Constables and partners and doughnuts and stun guns and.......
I've gone dizzy now.

28 comments:

totallyun-pc said...

Dance dance), I don't do custody anymore, (Dance dance), I don't do custody anymore, Yeeeeeeeehaaaaa!

Oh and did I mention i was off tonight? (moonwalk) and that i don't do custody anymore anyway? did I? (twirl!) did I? Ha Ha!

And for ALL going out there tonight, be careful and watch each others backs....as always.
Stay safe and well. TUPC

Ps, Franky, I added you. Good to meet you.... in cyber space obviously... you could be a total git!.... but a doubt it. Ha Ha.

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